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Is What You Want Holding You Back?

Sending Mixed Signals

Red and Green Mixed Traffic SignalsNothing is more frustrating than a night of flirting only to be snubbed at the last dance, just the other day, I realized that I was sending the Universe mixed signals.  

A week ago, we relocated to another city, several states away. My partner received one of those “pack-up-your-life-and-go” job offers, and so I folded my neatly pressed life, stuffed it in a carry-on bag and jetted out the door.

Once I arrived in the new city, anxiety started clawing at my stomach like Gollum clinging to the ring of power.  Life is the best it’s ever been and I’m still riddled with anxiety even though there is no reason for it.  Weird feeling.

So what gives? I asked myself.

What Do You Really Want?

I realized that what you really want (or say you want) may not be consistent with the energy you send out into the world, and that was my problem.

The anxiety was just the symptom.  The stress of starting over and finding a new job consumed me. I knew I needed a new job…or at least I believed that I needed one. But the truth is, I didn’t really know if I wanted a new job.

Do you see the inconsistency?

My assumptions said: I need a new job. My desire said: I want to work as a spiritual teacher.

My belief in my dream didn’t support the reality that I wanted to bring into my experience (that of being a spiritual teacher).  So, I realized that something had to give.

That’s when uncertainty attacked. What should I do?

How to Bring Desire into Alignment

Desires or dreams come easily. You were made to dream. Dreaming is a fundamental part of what makes us human. The challenge lies in bringing desire down from the clouds and grounding it here on earth.

In a recent interview with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday, Author Steven Pressfield said this about desire.

The more important the dream is to your soul’s evolution,
the greater the resistance to it. -Steven Pressfield
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To bring the emotional energy you’re projecting into the world into alignment in a way that allows your dream to manifest you have to do two things.

1. Make sure your emotions are consistent with the desire.
2. Take informed action and allow the results to manifest.

How to Balance Inconsistent Emotions

Emotions fluctuate. How can you balance them with desire? It is easy if you don’t get too specific.  This seems counter intuitive–especially when most “law of attraction” gurus are teaching people to visualize more specifically.

But most of us get way too specific about our desire and how it should unfold, but our emotional output doesn’t yet match the intensity of the vibration of that desire. So we are already starting at a place of misalignment.  Then we get discouraged and think we’re doing something wrong when it doesn’t appear.

Instead, focus on feeling good. Find the ways that you can create and experience the feeling of gratitude and joy and you have positioned yourself already at a higher emotional frequency.

Once you are calibrated to this better-feeling emotion, you can more easily create a vision of what you desire.  A great way to begin to do this is to ask positive ‘what if’ questions.

What if I make the perfect connection in this new city which leads to a fulfilling job that helps me grow on my way to becoming a powerful and successful spiritual teacher?

Do you see how I turned my previous negative assumptions around?  That is the beginning.

What if everything works out?
What if I have all that I need to accomplish my goal?
What if I find that I can trust myself to make the best decision that serves me and all involved?

So don’t despair if you’re having a hard time realizing your dream.  Keep working toward it. It’s all part of your soul’s evolution. You will succeed if you don’t give up.

How to Take Powerful Action

Most of us jump right to taking action.  We’re an action-oriented society.  But Powerful Action means taking action that aligns with your energy and desire. Energy, Desire and Action make up the power triad. When your energy, your goal–or desire, and your action are aligned, you have all you need to create the art of your life.

Clear energy and clear desire leads to clear action. (Tweet This)

If you take the step to elevate your energetic emotional impulse and direct your intention toward a clear desire, you will see the next step in front of you.  Better yet, you will be confident to take the next step.

For me, this meant obtaining the perfect “bridge” job as I continue to build my spiritual teaching practice.  Now that I have greater clarity, this bridge job does not deflate me but it actually serves to motivate me.

If you will follow these simple guidelines, you’ll find that you have moved from simple flirtation with happiness and fulfillment. If you’ll let the creative source of the Universe take the lead, you’ll feel the exhilaration as you zip across life’s dance floor with grace.

What Is Your Plan?

What dream would you like to make headway with? What is the next step you need to take? How will you implement these 2 principles to help you take the next step toward that dream?

Photo Credit: Paola Kizette Cimenti

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How to Trust Your Gut…Even If It Is Tied In Knots!

“I would be happy to,” you agree, while internally you are banging your head on the table shouting, “No! No! No, you idiot. Why did you ever agree to do that!?!”

Tsk-Tsk,” your Conscience disapproves, while your Better Self “harumphs,” peering from slanted eyelids over it’s upraised nose.

Regret. You fail to trust your gut instinct. We have all been there, haven’t we?

Missed Opportunities.  Bad Decisions.

image of polar bear defecating with caption: sweet jesus please let me live. I promise never to eat Taco Bell ever again

Trust Your Gut!

Image Courtesy of I’m One Sarcastic Broad

Everybody has regrets, but I want you to learn to trust your gut in a way that will serve you well your whole life, and the first step is practice!

1. Practice Makes Perfect
Whether it’s to pass on the extra serving of double chocolate cheesecake or to grab a few minutes of meditation before starting a crazy day, pay attention the next time your instinct nudges you.

Practice with the little things. When your gut taps you on the shoulder, obey it!  These promptings are often spontaneous and unexpected and so it is easy to ignore them.  Don’t.

By honoring your soul’s guidance and listening to your own wisdom, you’ll become more comfortable obeying the promptings that are sent your way.  A side benefit is that you will notice more and more guidance appearing before you when you start obeying the guidance that’s already there. (Tweetable Tidbit)

The second step in learning to trust your gut is to learn to honor and respect yourself first.

2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T…Find Out What It Means to Me!
Respect yourself.  That’s what it comes down to.

You have probably learned or been taught to doubt yourself. You have been told that your opinion or perspective isn’t as important as the expectations of others.  Maybe it’s your parents, church leaders, or friends that you don’t want to disappoint.

Confidence comes when you realize that you can
survive the disappointment of others.
Tweet Tidbit

Be willing to disappoint the expectations of others in favor of respecting and honoring your own inner guidance.

Years ago, I ran a professional massage therapy practice.  I had just finished my schooling and was working to establish myself and my practice in the community.

One day, a chiropractor called my office looking for a massage therapist to provide on-site chair massage for a community event in which his practice was participating.

“My rate for onsite services is $40/hour with a minimum of 2 hours,” I told him.

“Humph,” he scoffed, “Well I’m paying $10/hour and you can hand out business cards too.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I would recommend calling the massage school in midtown.  I know they send out their students to get experience as part of their program.”

“Well, if you are in the place where you can just turn away business…” he derided.

The truth is that I wasn’t in a place to turn away business, but something in my gut told me not to sell myself short. 

“It’s not that I can turn away business, Doctor,” I told him, “but I believe in the value of the work that I do and I want others to value it as well.”

Respect. That’s what it is all about.  It’s about honoring the guidance that lies within you enough to disappoint those who seek to impose their point of view and priorities on you.

Practicing and developing this skill strengthens your own confidence and will free you to pursue the things that are most important to you.

3 Agreements You Should Embrace as You Learn to Trust Your Gut

1. I know what is best for me (Tweetable Tidbit)

2. I am competent in my own life. (Tweetable Tidbit)

3. I will figure it out. (Tweetable Tidbit)

Embrace these three agreements–or beliefs.  They will strengthen your faith in your intuition as you put them into practice in your every day life.

Your Assignment…Should You Choose to Accept

(Said in the best Mission Impossible voice I could muster)

Okay, in the comments, tell me how you plan to trust your gut more.  How have you learned to trust your inner guidance better?  What is one agreement or action step you will take to build a stronger self-confidence when it comes to trusting intuition?

 

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Why Wait for Vacation? How to Enjoy Every Moment

I was on a Google Hangout with some friends recently, discussing how we organize our lives.  The topic of vacations–and how we plan them–came up.

The host of the Hangout, Lori, made the distinction of planning for the vacation versus being on the vacation and used this distinction as a metaphor for life.

The Obstacle to Enjoying Life

In the Hangout most of us admitted that we work and live rather haphazardly when it comes to the daily hour-by-hour management of our lives.  Some have over-arching goals and priorities–like children, education, business, etc–but many of us face what is in front of us and move through life going one thing to the next.

A few years ago–like most of the world–I watched the progression and passing of the life of Steve Jobs, and it made me think.

I want to live my life in such a way that when I come to the end of it, I am satisfied.

You would probably say the same of your life, wouldn’t you?  Nobody sets out to live a failed life.  If satisfaction is the goal, what is the method?  How can we create a satisfied life?

Here are 3 assertions I made:

1. My life may end at any time.

2. I don’t (yet) know when my life will end.

3. I want to be prepared.

There’s nothing ground-breaking about these assertions, but they made me face the truth that many of us try to avoid–I am mortal.

So, you may see the inherent paradox here between numbers 1 & 2 and number 3.  How does one prepare for something that is imminent but may (or hopefully may not) be immediate?

How to Enjoy Life

For me it came down to a matter of training myself to find joy in every moment–even the ones that frustrate, anger and bewilder me.

How can you find joy in every moment?

  • Be clear about what brings you joy
  • Do what brings you joy

When I first started down this path, I didn’t know what brought me joy.  Do you? Really?  Think about it for a minute.

Set aside the cars, boats, planes, houses, etc.  What brings you down-in-your-soul, curl-your-toes joy?

Image of the authorFor me it is flexibility, spontaneity, stillness and the ability to express myself creatively.  (Is it any wonder that I fall deeper in love with my photography hobby every day?)

So you say, “Yeah, but Steve, you can’t just run around taking pictures every day without making any money to support yourself!”

You’re right. I can’t. My skill isn’t developed enough to live from my hobby…yet. And honestly, I don’t know if I even really want to make a living from photography. Probably not.

Here is the key: Look for ways to enrich every moment of your life with what brings you joy. (Tweet This)

It would be weird–no, actually it would be creepy–for me to take my camera to work and snap pictures of everyone and everything.

Here’s what I mean.  Uncover the keystones of what bring you joy–in my case, independence, stillness and creativity–and look for ways to bring that to your life in every moment!

You can create ways to feel joy even in the most mundane and dull moments of your life. You may not love your job, but start finding ways to bring your joy with you to work, and you’ll find your perspective toward that dead-end job shifts dramatically.

You cannot travel within and stand still without.
- James Allen
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Your circumstances will shift when you do.  That’s the bottom line. You always control your thoughts.

So even if you find a circumstance to which you can bring no joy at all (like losing a loved one), you can still find joy within the stillness of your soul and in the quietness of your thoughts.  The presence of joy does not mean the absence of sorrow. Joy exists, as a matter of will, in spite of the sorrow.

A Final Warning on Enjoying Life

Many people mistakenly believe that a dramatic shift in circumstances will bring greater joy to their lives. In every case where my circumstances shifted for the better, the level of my joy remained fairly consistent.

Some of us want to dive off into our hobbies–either as a career or as a distraction–before we have the stability or ability to do so.  Don’t make this mistake.

I would have been foolish to grab my camera, march into my workplace and drop my resignation letter on my boss’s desk, and say, “I found my passion. I’m outta here!”

Your hobby may become your career at some point, but it may not. Search beyond your passion, and uncover your true purpose. What makes you come alive? What is it that brings you joy.  Then, set to work creating a life from that, and you’ll find that the circumstances will realign themselves in an almost magical way.

Castle quote by Thoreau

 

(click the quote/image to tweet it)

What Do You Do to Bring Joy to Your Moments?

Please share this article.

In the comments section below, fill me in on what you do to bring joy to the everyday moments of your life–particularly the more mundane or frustrating moments.  Do you have any stories of when your circumstances shifted after you shifted yourself?  I want to hear your stories. They are so inspiring.

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Do This When You’re Blindsided by Criticism or Facing Disapproval

Woman wagging her fingerA couple of days ago, a friend and I were talking about her business and the topic of criticism–and how to respond to it–came up.

Her client was complaining about freelance work she’d already completed, insisting that it wasn’t good enough (even though it fulfilled the terms of the contracted agreement).  My friend was stressing out because she didn’t know how to respond.

In a recent article on at the Middle Finger Project, Ash Ambirge lays out a killer tip for saying tough things with power and finesse.

Getting blindsided by the criticism and the disapproval of others can be one of the most frustrating experiences.

You Have Two Choices

Really, when it comes down to criticism, you have two choices–respond, or don’t.  Why does the disapproval of others create so much anxiety for us?

Here’s the deal: most of us care way too much about the opinions and expectations of others.  I know. I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

I’m not advocating that you treat others with disrespect or unkindness. I do want you to be able to recognize the blessing–yes, blessing–that the criticism of others offers you, and be well-equipped to respond, if you choose to do so.

You all know that it’s about self-reliance and practical implementation more than simple self-help aphorisms here at True Spiritual Awakening, so let me give you some new thoughts to consider and then some helpful hints for dealing with the criticism of others.

3 Steps to Follow When Faced By Criticism

1. Stop - Stop and take a breath. Have you been conditioned to react when someone criticizes you? Do you get angry, defensive and aggressive?  Or do you withdraw and try to protect yourself?

Take a moment to recognize your own pattern.  I tend to be rather non-confrontational, so my natural conditioning was to back down and to avoid conflict until it blew up in my face. Even then, sometimes I would try to ignore it, hoping it would go away.  It rarely does.

I’ve found that it’s better to face a situation directly and choose my reaction consciously. I feel much more empowered and the stress and drama generally drains quickly from the situation once it’s been properly addressed.

2. Reflect – Take time to observe what’s happening. Ask yourself smart questions. What is really going on? What is this really about?

Hint: Don’t always believe the first answer your mind presents to you.

Ask, Why am I triggered?  What is this bringing up for me? Why does this matter so much for me?

And the power question: Is this something I have any control over?

We all want people to like us, to think we’re competent, to think that we have things under control. Taking a moment to stop and reflect on the criticism you’re receiving allows you the time to engage your logic before you respond.

When emotion and logic are locked in conflict,
emotion always wins.
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Just as you can’t reason with a person who’s distraught, terrified, or angry, if you are triggered emotionally, your logical mind will be disengaged and you’ll have no objectivity with which to provide a rational response–even if you’d wanted to.

3. Respond – As we’ve said, to respond or not to respond, that is the question!  Bad Shakespeare rip-offs aside, this is the important choice that always lies before you when you’re confronted by the criticism or disapproval of others.

Here are some points to think about…

Dislike

A few months ago, a critical message popped up in my inbox on the Facebook page.  It took my completely off-guard.

Complaint

At first I thought it was just a “spam-bot” of some sort, so I responded.  He replied with even more sarcasm and disapproval, so I decided to let it go at that point.  It was a quick lesson that you can’t please everyone.

It also gave me a wonderful opportunity to stop, reflect and the tweetable above came to me. I realized that to do the work that I feel that I am meant to do in the world, I have to become confident with my internal voice and comfortable enough with the disapproval of others that I could continue on the path that I know is right for me.

Criticism will blindside you at some point in your life. Be ready for it. Remember the three steps: Stop, Reflect, Respond (or don’t).  You have the power of response in your own life. This is the meaning of response-ability.

How you treat yourself

Most of us receive our response conditioning when we’re children. We develop habit patterns of thought and behavior that may or may not serve us as we mature into adulthood.  The criticism and disapproval expressed by others is the perfect opportunity to take stock.

Next time you face criticism, instead of flying into a rage, or instead of retreating from criticism, take a minute to take charge of yourself and your emotions.  Look at your natural tendency and ask, does this response/reaction serve me well?  If not, you have the power to change it–right there in that very moment!

One of my favorite philosophers is the psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl.  He said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

How Do You Handle Criticism?

Do you handle criticism well?  What programmed behavior or thought patterns have you recognized become engaged when you are criticized?  What helpful hints can you share for handling criticism or the disapproval of others in an effective way?

Photo Credit: Lara604

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The Truth No One Ever Told You (but should have) About Ending A Toxic Relationship

There’s No Easy Way To Break a Toxic Relationship!

There. I said it.

I know. I know.  I can hear you now…

But, Steve, I don’t wanna hurt her feelings.

But I really love him…

I don’t mean to be uncaring, but you’re gonna have to suck it up, Buttercup.  There is no easy way to break ties with the junkyard dogs in your life (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should go read this article on setting boundaries and then come back–right away–and finish this one).

The #1 Don’t–DO NOT Equivocate

Don’t waffle. Make a decision and communicate your decision. Don’t play games. Clear decisiveness is not unkindness.

Remember the first time you stood up to the bully on the playground, or the “mean girls” in junior high? The bully’s reaction to a new boundary can get loud and nasty. Or, it may not be loud at all, it may be subtle and passive aggressive, but this does not mean that you should second-guess your decision.

I’m giving you permission to do what’s right for you.  When you do what’s right for yourself, you have taken the first step toward being able to do what’s right for others in your life.  If you want to help someone else heal, the best way to do so is to get well yourself.

You have played a part in this dysfunctional dance–whether it is with a relative, lover or colleague.  You must overcome your part in the dysfunction.  That means taking action.

Here are the Steps to help.

Steve’s Steps for Ending a Toxic Relationship

“Ending it” is often used when we talk about romantic relationships but terminating a relationship can apply to any situation that you currently find yourself in.

Let me clarify. When I say “ending it,” I’m referring to ending the way in which you have been in relationship with the offending personality.  So, although it may mean terminating the relationship completely, it may no necessarily mean that.

There is a distinction between terminating a relationship and terminating the influence someone has over your life or the access they have to your life.

Here is how:

1. Limit the access or influence that person has in your life.

Decide whether you need to terminate the relationship completely or whether you need to limit the person’s access to your life.

NOTE:  Beware of the “Equivocation Monster”
One sign of dysfunction that I’ve seen many people fall pray to when seeking to limit a toxic person’s access to their life is that they mitigate their decision and refuse to make a clean cut by saying, “well Sally is my best friend, so I can’t cut her off completely,” or “He is my dad. I have to respect him.  My kids need their grandpa.”

This is a sign of codependency–that you need something from the other person to survive.  The truth is that you don’t need anything to be well except the will to do the work to get well.  The inability to set boundaries and stand by them is insecurity on display.

What you are really saying when you use an equivocation such as these is “I don’t feel worthy of a healthy friendship, so I’ll hold on to what I have, even if it’s bad for me,” or “I want my dad to like me (or approve of me), so I’m willing to put up with bad behavior so my kids can have the grandpa I never had as a father.”

Give up the fantasy!  As harsh and difficult as this is, you must give up the wishes and dreams that things might be different.  The only way to build something new for the future, is to admit the truth of what now is.

2. Make the Cut

If you struggle with a toxic work environment, get out.  No excuses.  You must do what you need to do. Don’t blame it on the economy, where you live, how worn out your are.  Dig down deep in your soul and start doing what needs to be done.

You’ll be surprised at how the universe will come to your aid when you begin to make steps in the direction of health and wholeness.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one’s dreams,
and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined,
one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
                                    -Henry David Thoreau

Years ago, I found myself trapped in a toxic work environment…and what was even more frustrating was that this wasn’t my first time in this sort of a situation!  I finally, just got fed up.  I knew things had to change.

I was working in a large hospital, so I applied for a job to move to another department.  It was a lateral move, but at least my day-to-day experience would improve, I thought.  When I got the job, I gave my two-week notice in the department I was working in.

In a seeming unrelated situation, my partner interviewed for a job out of state.  This was right in the middle of my two week “notice” period.

The new employer offered him a the job paying more than he asked for, with a full moving package and additional moving bonus to move and start work in 2 weeks.

It was crazy. When I took action to change my circumstances, the Universe shifted in a way that I never could have imagined.  Within about 3 weeks, my life changed completely.  We moved to a new state, started a new adventure, and the old experience was left behind rather dramatically.

I know it’s scary to consider making drastic changes in your life. Especially if you have mortgages to resolve and jobs to consider or businesses to close, and children to think of.

Change is tough, but it is not as tough as
staying stuck in pain and dysfunction.

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If you’re stuck in a family relationship that is toxic, get help.  Get support.  If there is no help in your family, reach out to your community resources–churches, synagogues, government agencies.  Do what you have to do.  You can do this. Make a plan and start executing your plan.

3. Communicate the Change.

This can be the hardest part of the process–especially if you’re a nice person or are like me, a recovering people-pleaser.

There is no “nice” way to tell someone that you don’t want them in your life. Just do it.

Here are the 3 “B’s”: Be clear. Be kind. Be firm (final–don’t leave all sorts of doors open).

At this time, I can’t be in relationship with you. That is all you have to say.

If they beg and plead and promise, go back to your 3 B’s: Be clear. Be kind and be firm.  Don’t offer any sort of reconciliation.  Let them react however they are going to react.  You are doing what is right and you have to affirm this within your own mind.

If the person is aggressive and refuses to respect the boundaries you have set, block their e-mails/social media contact with you.  Change your phone number.  Tell friends and relatives who care and are supportive what’s going on and help them to support you.

In the worse case, don’t hesitate to get a restraining order and use the authorities if the person becomes belligerent.

When boundaries break the relationship, get support

Relationships can’t continue the same way
when one person gets well, and the other is still sick.
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Battered Fort Wall

When this happens, it’s vital to get support.  This is about you reinforcing the fortress that has been battered for years by resetting the patterns of behavior that are unhealthy within you.

If you don’t become aware of these patterns and do the work to correct them, you’ll end up attracting the same dynamic in a different set of circumstances.

1. Educate Yourself
Search out a good relationship/family therapist to help you remap the behavior patterns that are the root of your own family emotional pathology.

2. Build a Support Network
Build a support network separate from the dysfunction.  This might be a house of faith family, a group of friends or other family members who can support your growth.

3. Create New Habits
It takes some practice, but you must create new ways of being within yourself first, and then teach this way of relationship to those around you

As you begin to heal, your interactions will automatically be more healthy because you have changed the relationship you have within yourself.  You are more congruent so your interactions with others will have integrity as well.

Finally, as you begin to heal the wounds in your own fortress wall, you’ll find that you’re able to provide a safe place within which others can hide to heal and grow.  All because you’ve done the work.

The Rest of the Series…

Part One: How to Break the Power of Toxic People In Your Life
Part Two: How to Set Boundaries for the Junkyard Dog in Your Life

Photo Credit: Steve Rice

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How to Set Boundaries for the Junkyard Dog in Your Life

The Truth About Toxic People (Your ‘Junkyard Dog’)

Snarling DogJunkyard dogs bark and snarl and lunge against the chains that hold them.  It can be the same when you start to set boundaries against the toxic behavior of those in your life.

In the first post in this “toxic people” series, I made the assertion: There are no toxic people, only toxic behavior. Your negative judgment of another person is an indictment of yourself.

As you might imagine, I got some kickback on this point.

“But I don’t see how my sister’s toxic influence is a reflection of me,” I was told.

Another person said, “It’s hard for me to believe that my brother’s craziness has anything to do with me.”

Let me take a moment and clarify.  Another person’s bad behavior is 100% their responsibility!  You are only responsible for your reaction to that behavior.

Negative judgement is always a defense mechanism–we criticize people when we’re afraid, uncertain or angry.

Think about that for a moment and think about the criticism you’ve most recently made of the person whose bad behavior impacts your life.

Did it come from a position of fear, insecurity or smallness?  Were you afraid that they would damage or disrupt a part of your life or experience?

Even a helpful criticism is often grounded in the perspective: I want you to be different than you are, so I am going to criticize your methods, manner or message in an effort to shame or guilt you into complying with my desire.

Judging other people is the ego’s defense against the soul.
(Tweet This)

The soul would speak the truth. It would have you free of limitation, fear and smallness. Your ego must defend and attack the truth to preserve itself, and so it deflects your attention to the perceived faults of another and begs you to judge your sister or brother.

The Beginning of Boundaries with Toxic Behavior

Boundaries start with recognition. We are each living in our own realities.  You live in yours, and I live in mine.  I don’t react or respond to true reality.  I react or respond to my reality and you do the same.

In his book, The Power of Intention, Dr. Wayne Dyer says it this way:  Your family relationships are in your mind…your relatives exist as thoughts in your mind.  

He goes on to state, whatever power they have, you’ve given to them. In order to change the nature of your family relationships, you’ll have to change your mind about them.

Changing the way you think about toxic people in your life can be so hard to do! Even if you understand (and agree with) the basic philosophical point.

Those who are closest to you should protect you, not perpetrate injury against you.  They should be the ones coming to your defense, not the ones against whom you must construct a defense.

So it is really hard to acknowledge that we have to change our way of thinking with regards to our loved ones or those who have behaved badly in our lives. It’s just easier to blame them.

They are the one who needs to change. And we use examples of their bad behavior to feel justified in judging them.

Remember this: You are not in relationship with a toxic person, you are in relationship with your image of that person.

So in relationships, you are not reacting to a “toxic” person in your life, you are responding to your reality of toxicity and dysfunction.  The wound that causes you to react to someone else’s bad behavior is always there if you will have the courage to uncover it and heal it.

When you recognize this, you empower yourself to heal any injury or wrong in your own life. Only then can you bring healing to another. You must do your work in order for the scar to heal.

This process is like a physical wound…as long as it is open and sensitive, we protect it and cater to it.  Once it is cleaned out, bandaged and healed, the scar tissue that replaces the wound is no longer sensitive and, in many cases, is stronger than it was before.

Why Do We Allow Toxic Behavior to Hurt Us Again and Again?

We allow our own emotional wounds to fester because we don’t know how to set proper boundaries. Let’s just be honest…in a way, we like the drama (or something that it gives us–sense of significance or importance).

I know this is another one of  those statements that your ego will probably want to push back against. Test it yourself.  If the drama (or some aspect of it) is not serving you, there will be no difficulty in releasing it.

So maybe you’re shaking your head saying, But Steve, that’s the whole point. That’s why I’m reading this article. I want to let it go! I’m ready to release the drama.  Great! That’s the first step.

Have you heard the maxim, “things only change when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired”?

You’re on the right track. The next step is learning to set healthy boundaries and practicing this skill until you’re an expert.

Setting Boundaries Shows Kindness

In reality, it is unkind not to set boundaries.  Society has conditioned us to “go along to get along” and engage in all other myriad of ridiculous, unwise (and even unhealthy) patterns when it comes to dealing with dysfunctional behavior from those around us.

It is unkind NOT to set boundaries
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As children, we’re encouraged to “honor” our parents and respect our elders.You may have been taught that setting boundaries with those around you was improper or disrespectful.

It would be far better to teach our children to love their bodies, trust their instincts, and set boundaries in a respectful and healthy way.  But most adults are dysfunctional, so that emotional pathology is passed to their children.

To begin to restore a relationship that has been damaged by bad behavior, you must first…

Recognize and claim your “stuff.”

You must have a clear understanding of the part you play in the co-dependent dance with dysfunction.  This has nothing to do with the other person. They are merely the the puppet dancing at the end of your marionette strings.

If you find yourself saying,  “I don’t know what it is, but that person just makes me crazy,” it’s a good indicator that you’re face to face with your dysfunction. It’s your job to uncover and expose it so it can be healed.

How can you recognize your stuff? There is an emotional charge you feel when it is confronted (usually best recognized through the behavior of someone else in your life).  This emotional ‘charge’ will be an undeniable need to defend and protect–to be “right”–your point of view.

Once it has been healed, you can release the need to defend and protect, because the wound is healed.  You will know this happens when the emotional charge disappears. This doesn’t mean that you quit caring, it simply means that the behavior no longer triggers you.

Once you do acknowledge your part in the play, you’re ready to move onto the next step:

Recognize and return the other person’s “stuff.”

Years ago, I knew a brilliant therapist who taught me a wonderful technique.  “When you recognize that the monkey on someone else’s back has jumped to yours, give it back to her,” he said.

Baby gorilla on the back of mommy

He stated this lesson with such simplicity and surety that I’ve never forgotten it. When you recognize that the monkey has jumped (or in some cases been thrust) onto your back, give it back.  It’s not your monkey.

How do you “give back” the monkey?  You give back the monkey by refusing to take emotional responsibility for another person’s well-being. You give back the monkey by refusing to engage emotionally in another person’s drama.

This is the height of compassion and kindness.  It doesn’t mean that you become arrogant, inconsiderate or hostile. Instead, you are firm in saying, “I recognize what is yours and what is mine in this situation and I’m giving yours back and will no longer take responsibility for your behavior.”

This doesn’t necessarily have to be said in these words. It’s better said through the action of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Dr. Henry Cloud’s work on setting boundaries, is a great place to start if you recognize that you need some practice in setting healthy boundaries in your life.

Steve’s Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

Here are three steps to help you use boundaries to create a place for wholeness and healing in your life.

1. Create the Boundary

First, you have got to set a boundary.  If you haven’t done so before, you need to be aware that it will feel strange because it’s a new experience.  That’s okay.  Do it anyway.  Be clear about what you want. Draw the line.

I recommend you write it down and run it passed a trusted friend or confidant (who’s not engaged in relationship with the toxic person).  Think of someone who has very clear boundaries in their life and has shown that they have developed this skill set.  They will be best able to give you objective insight.

Be sure you can state the boundary clearly in one or two sentences.  If you’ve ever watched those “intervention” shows on TV, think of the segment of the show when everyone sits down with the addict and starts the intervention.

You want to be able to state this boundary clearly for yourself first.  At first, it will be tempting to project it onto the person who’s behaving badly by saying something like, “I’m no longer going to let you hurt me.”

If you find yourself stating your boundary and intention as a projection, turn it around.  Instead, state it from the perspective of what you intend.

For example, you could say, “I deserve respect. I will no longer allow myself to be bullied or abused.”

This seems like a small shift, but it’s vitally important.  If you can articulate your boundary with clarity from your own perspective, you begin to empower yourself.

The truth is that you have no control over the other person’s behavior. They may continue to behave badly even after the boundary is in place, but by stating your boundary from your personal perspective, you empower yourself to then take action that lines up with your intention no matter what the other person says or does.

2. Communicate Your Boundary Clearly

Communicate your new boundary clearly. Immediately, people who have had unfettered access to your body, mind, time and attention will react to a boundary being set with them.

Don’t get sucked into manipulative or passive aggressive conversations or arguments meant to deflect attention from the fact that you’re setting a new boundary by baiting you into defending or explaining your position.  If you need to have support in communicating the boundary, I encourage you to ask a friend to stand with you as you set the boundary.  You may even ask the person you went to in Step 1 for feedback, to support you all the way through this process.

Be ready for this reaction. It may be aggressive and overt or it may be more subtle and passive aggressive. Make sure you’re safe, number one.  But allow them to react.

Remember you’re not accusing or making a judgment of the other person’s behavior.  You are simply communicating your new boundary: “I am not going to allow myself to be bullied or abused” (for example)

You don’t have to respond to someone else’s negative reaction or hysteria. You don’t have to be sucked into discussions justifying your position or your decision. And you never need to stay in a place to be hurt, abused, manipulated or mistreated.

3. Respect Your New Boundary

In order for others to abide by the “new rules,” you must respect and uphold your new boundary first.  You are the one responsible for a new way of being in the relationship.

Be consistent. If the person you are in relationship with will not respect your boundary, share with them the consequences of disrespecting you and then follow through.

For example, “If you continue to yell at me, I will not continue to visit/call you.”

Do not use hyperbole (exaggeration in order to manipulate).  “You always scream at me…so I’m never calling you again!”

Use a specific behavior (don’t attack the person).  In the example above, we used raising one’s voice…instead, for example, “If you continue to disrespect me…” (disrespect me is too vague).

Above all, be clear. Be careful of the temptation to “soften” the blow–I get it, you’re a nice person–by waffling on your decision.  Speak with compassion, but with clarity and confidence.  Use a “matter of fact” tone to avoid excess drama. Tell it how it is.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to respect yourself and to re-teach others how to be in relationship with you.

What to Expect Once Boundaries are Implemented

We talked about the potential negative reaction to a newly-set boundary.  However, when you are able to open up communication, you may find that what the other person was trying to communicate was exactly the opposite of what you were receiving.

For example, when you were a child, your mother might have raised her voice to you because she was afraid you would disobey and put yourself in danger.  She was expressing love, but you received it as aggression or intimidation.

You may be surprised to find that intimacy is restored and even deepened once you set and enforce a healthy boundary.  Trust can be rebuilt. The person engaged in the bad behavior may recognize your love and seek to join you on the path toward a more healthy relationship.

A Short Personal Story

Several months ago, I was treated in a way I felt was inappropriate at work.  Honestly, I got angry and bitter.  This situation consumed me every time someone would ask, “How was work today?” or “How do you like your job?”

I realized that I had to let this go. So, I started in exactly the manner I’m recommending to you. I took responsibility for my “stuff”.  Once I could see that clearly, it began to heal.  Next, I acknowledged the part of my employer that wasn’t my stuff.

In my situation, things began to change.  The circumstances didn’t improve, but my perspective of them changed. I began to put my focus and energy on projects that served me. I let go of the past.

When people asked, “Do you like your job?” instead of complaining about what happened to me in the past, I became eager to talk about what I had planned for the future.

It made all the difference.  It gave me the confidence to set proper boundaries with my employer and my colleagues because I was able to siphon away the drama that had triggered my own emotional reaction.

It really is true, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  James Allen said it this way: “You cannot travel within and stand still without.

In the next part of this series, we’ll discuss what to do when the toxic relationship breaks down as a result of setting boundaries.

NOTE: Don’t forget to check out Part One – How to Break the Power of Toxic People in Your Life

Photo Credits: Creative Commons License  trung1145
Tambako The Jaguar

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How to Break the Power of Toxic People in Your Life

Is Your Life Plagued by Toxic People?

Curled into a fetal position, sucking your thumb as you watch The Devil Wears Prada.  “This is so my life!”  you think in despair.

Or does your life sometimes feel like a weird Twilight Zone episode featuring the Mean Girls?

Toxic People–We all know the type: Nasty. Passive aggressive. Confrontational. Physically aggressive.

No matter how they present in your life, chances are you would like to find a way to kick them to the curb (or if not, at least to minimize the impact they have on you).

You may have heard the maxim that “hurting people, hurt people.”  Let’s start there. In order to ameliorate the influence that toxic people have in your life, you have to begin to separate the behavior from your judgment of the person–as difficult as it may be.

If you want to change the impact of toxic people on your life, you’re going to have to do the work to heal the things their dysfunction brings up for you.  So let’s take a look at how this works in a practical way.

Toxic People Behave Sickly

Judging someone negatively because they are unhealthy, hurting or scared doesn’t serve you.  Sick people act sick. This is especially important to recognize if you are in close relationship with the person (such as family or close friend).

Venting your frustration at their behavior patterns by continuously judging them negatively will support your ego’s need to feel “better than” but it won’t serve your healing or your desire to grow.

Releasing the expectations you hold for the person behaving badly in your life won’t be easy because you truly want them to be different than they are.  Trying to change another person through manipulation or coercion is a fool’s errand. If you will understand this truth, it will save you a world of hurt.

1. It’s not personal! 
They are sick (or fearful, or hurt, etc), so they are behaving as a sick person would.  It doesn’t give them an excuse to victimize you; however, it does give you the freedom to release your expectations of them.  That’s big, if you can absorb it.  Sit with that one for a bit, if you need to.

2. You do not have to take anything personally.
You have the power to liberate your soul from the burden (and pain) of taking the disappointment of those unmet expectations personally.

There are no toxic people, only toxic behavior.  
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Stick with me here and I’ll show you how this is true.

Your negative judgment of another person is an indictment of yourself–always.

Because we cannot fully love and accept ourselves, we judge others (tweet it). We want to judge each other because we have criticized and condemned ourselves so harshly, first.

When the ego needs to prove its worthiness, then everything and everyone must be judged.  (How else would it know its worth?) The need to judge someone else evaporates when there is no need to set myself up as “better than…”

No separation exists between us. If you loath a quality or characteristic in another person, you must have first recognized it in yourself.  Otherwise, you would  not be triggered emotionally by another person’s actions.

The ego seeks to project the dysfunction outwards onto someone else (i.e., “he/she is toxic”).  It is easier than facing the truth.

What is the truth?

When you are whole and healthy, the pathology–or bad behavior patterns–of another stimulates compassion in you, not judgement.

When you feel judgement rising within you, it is a sure sign that your own pathology has awakened. There is pain or an unhealed wound within me which surfaces, stimulated by someone’s unhealthy behavior.

The Inadvertent Gift of the Toxic Person

Preparing for the expected Police Raid at Occupy L.A.I am not saying that you are responsible or to blame for the bad behavior of those around you. You are only responsible for your reaction to it.

Think about the last time you saw a child throwing a fit in the store.  You probably shook your head or rolled your eyes. Maybe you just walked away.  You noticed it, but it didn’t trigger a response within you.

Why?  Because it wasn’t your child!

It is the same in your life. Someone else’s tantrum (bad or unhealthy behavior) won’t cause an emotional reaction within you when it’s not your “child”.

When you recognize that you are emotionally triggered, use the opportunity to lean into awareness. This isn’t a bad thing!  It’s a gift. Embrace it.  Stop and observe.  What do you feel in your body?

The feeling of emotional charge that urges you to react is a signal that there is some fear, pain or wound within you that remains unhealed.  When you recognize it, you can choose to heal it. This is the gift that the toxic behavior of those in your life brings to you.

Release the need to judge–even your own feelings.  You are not your feelings.  You are the one observing them.  Allow them to flow in and through you.

So the first step to alleviating the pain of toxic behavior in your life is to begin to separate the judgement of behavior from the person. Next, it is to recognize that the judgement of someone else always begins at the doorstep of our own sense of failure.  Learn to ask: Where is it in me?

When you bring it out, you can work it out.
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The people you believe to be a toxic influence in your life actually offer you a great gift–the gift of awareness.  They invite you to awaken to your own pain and hurt in order to heal it.  They can be your greatest teachers if you will let them. It’s up to you.

What About You?

How do you cope with the toxic behavior of people in your life?  Have you been able to heal these relationships? Please join the conversation in the comments.

In the next post in this series, I’m going to discuss these relationships and how we can strive to move them from dysfunctional to healthy.

NOTE: Be sure to check out the rest of the series.
Part Two: How to Set Boundaries for the Junkyard Dogs in Your Life
Part Three: The Truth No One Ever Told You (but should have) About Ending Toxic Relationships

Image Credit: greg lilly 

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Answering the Question – How?

Last week, I asked you What do you want from life?  This week I’m following up with a video on your biggest fear. It may not be what you imagine it to be.

Think about that thing–whatever it is–that you want to obtain.  An ideal relationship? A perfect job? A more healthy body?

Once you get really clear about what it is you want, you’ll probably notice that your mind goes into panic mode.  In fact you might feel like the lone player in a dodge ball* match with your own brain.

Your brain wants to know how you will find the right person. How will you connect to the right people? How will you find the time? You’re mired and sinking rapidly in the quicksand of “how?”

Volley after volley hurls toward you.  How? How? How?

This week’s video talks about the first step to freeing yourself from this barrage.

duration: 2 min 8 secs

What about you? What do you fear when it comes to answering “how”?

*dodge ball is a common children’s game where a large rubber ball is thrown across a center line between two teams…the object is to dodge the ball and be the last person “out” on the team.

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What Do You Want from Life?

What kind of career do you want? What do you want your primary relationship to look like?  What type of body do you want (and are you willing to work to maintain)?

You’ve probably asked yourself these questions. You may have even gotten some great answers.  But the hard part comes with actually implementing the actions that will give you the results you say you want.

And I think I’ve found a simple shift in how this question is asked which can make a big difference in the answers you come up with, and consequently, the results you produce.

Are You Asking the Wrong Question?

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In this short video, I share the question I believe you should be asking and some thoughts about taking the next step which will move you beyond what seems to be setting you back.

Will You Do Me a Favor?

In the previous post, I created a short, inspirational video for you. This video is more of a “teaching” video. These were the top two types of videos you said you wanted to see from me (on Facebook).

Would you give these vids a “thumbs” up on YouTube and share your comments? I’d love to improve them each time I go in front of the camera. Let me know what ideas connected with you.

  • What would you like more of?
  • What worked well in the videos?
  • What would make them even more powerful/impactful?

Share your comments below or shoot me an e-mail at steve (at) truespiritualawakening.com and let me know what you think.

Of course, I would be honored if you’d share them with your friends and networks on Facebook/Twitter as well.

Now it’s over to you!

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Inspirational VIDEO – You Are Enough

I’ve been wanting to do video for some time.  This is my first real attempt at it.  You all said (on Facebook) you wanted inspirational videos and instructional videos.  This falls into the first category.

Would you do me a favor and “like” it and leave a positive comment on YouTube if you enjoyed this video?

Sorry this isn’t captioned.  Here is the larger poem this piece is taken from.