Keys to Healthy Relationships

My buddy, Deone from Releasing Me Today recently posted an article on forgiving yourself and freeing yourself from the negative influence of others.

At the beginning of the article, he talks about the assumptions we make and how they influence our relationships.

It made me think about the 2 most powerful keys that have drastically and permanently moved my own relationship forward, and I had to share.

In fact, I am convinced that without these two insights, I would still be struggling in the land of singleness or striving to hold an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship together to avoid loneliness.

Unlocking Connection and Clarity in Your Relationship

1. Make No Assumptions (or at least learn to recognize the ones you do make)
I learned this  from don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. He expands on this principle in the follow-up book The Mastery of Love. (I recommend both)

We all make assumptions of our significant others.  We make assumptions about the roles each of us play in the relationship. We make assumptions about our partner’s personality, dreams and goals.  We assume a lot of shit.

The secret to unlocking connection and vulnerability in your relationship is to recognize the assumptions you’re making.  Once you recognize the assumptions (or judgments) you’re making, you can make a choice to change them.

Quick Tip: Here’s a quick tip to help you recognize an assumption/judgment you are making.  Look for absolutes–like when you think or say, “He/She always (or never) does ‘xyz’.”  Or “That’s just the way he/she is.”

Whenever you speak/think in absolutes of “always/never, etc.,” you are making assumptions.  They may be well-founded, but they are still assumptions, and they are damaging.

2. Unload Your Expectations
The second key to creating clarity and connection in your relationship has to do with the expectations you harbor within your relationship.

Expectations are interwoven with assumptions. Often, we assume a certain behavior and expect a certain outcome all in the same thought.

No one can live up to someone else’s expectations because we can’t even live up to our own expectations.  The truth is that you don’t even know what you expect.

You may think that you have clearly identified and communicated your expectations, but there are always hidden expectations that you carry through life.

In regard to assumptions, it’s helpful to learn to recognize them.  When it comes to expectations, don’t even try.

The best option is to just learn to live in a state of non-expectation as much as possible.

How the hell do you do that? You’re probably wondering.

So glad you asked.

“I Need Nothing”

Expectations grow from your need to control outcomes.  When you release that need, expectations diminish.

If you can embrace life in the present, as it is coming to you and not make any assumptions about what it means or doesn’t mean, then you can release a lot of the expectations you carry into your life.

Within relationships, the happiest place to be is the place of “I need nothing.”

This space is complete non-resistance and, at the same time, ultimate power.

When you exist in a place of needing nothing, you cannot be manipulated or controlled by external forces.

When you do not need approval or acceptance by others, you have freed yourself.

When you do not need your partner to do or be anything different than what he or she is, then you have freed your partner.

We fear letting go because we are deluded into believing we have control in the first place.

Your power (in relationships and in life) lies in your ability to be present and experience life as it is without expectation and without making assumptions.

What Do You Think?

Now the best part…your thoughts.

I know you’ll have agreements (and probably disagreements) with my thoughts on this.  Love to hear them all. Comment below.

Do you believe that a relationship must have expectations?  If so, why?

Do you think that some assumptions are healthy or necessary?  Let me know what you think.

Photo Credit: Tekke

How have making assumptions or carrying expectations helped or hurt your relationships?

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